![Keeping it Real](embed src="http://assets.mixpod.com/swf/mp3/mp-dog.swf?myid=89791238&path=2012/11/09" quality="high" wmode="transparent" flashvars="mycolor=222222&mycolor2=77ADD1&mycolor3=FFFFFF&autoplay=false&rand=0&f=4&vol=100&pat=0&grad=false" width="270" height="265" name="mixpod" salign="TL" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" pluginspage="http://www.macromedia.com/go/getflashplayer" border="0" style="visibility:visible;width:270px;height:265px;" /><br /><a href="http://www.mixpod.com/playlist/89791238" target="_blank"><img src="http://assets.mixpod.com/images/get-tracks.gif" title="Get Music Tracks!" style="border-style:none;" alt="Music"></a><a href="http://www.mixpod.com" target="_blank"><img src="http://assets.mixpod.com/images/make-own.gif" title="Create A Playlist!" style="border-style:none;" alt="Playlist"></a><br /><a href="http://www.mixpod.com/">Music</a> <a href="http://www.mixpod.com">Playlist</a> at <a href="http://www.mixpod.com">MixPod.com</a>)
The first time I saw the movie Pretty Women there was something Vivian said I could really relate too. She tells Richard Gere's character that the bad stuff is easier to believe. He was telling her she could be so much more and that was her response.
The bad stuff is easier to believe.I have to say I agree. No amount of therapy or praying has changed that for me. I know that I am a child of God & that he sees me as beautiful and unique. That in and of itself should be enough. But still the bad stuff is in my brain like a bad tape that plays too often to be healthy. God knows that about me. Just like Richard Gere said to Vivian, God is trying to tell me I could be so much more.
This is not me bashing my childhood or crying out for validation, this is me telling you what I don't show the outside world. Perhaps you too can relate? When I look at myself in the mirror I don't see a pretty face, I see flaws, big eyes and a rabbit nose, teeth that braces & endless amounts of money still haven't fixed. Selfish & vain? I don't know, because I am my worst critic and this is what I really feel.
I am so hard on myself, not out of need for being perfect or control .Out of a broken place of never feeling good enough. When you are raised in a world of narcissistic parents that is what you believe. The words create tapes that stick in your mind. For instance...when I was told I wasn't the hugger or affectionate one, after a while I believed it. When I would woke from a bad dream and was yelled at to get back in bed I didn't receive the message that it was ok to have bad dreams and interrupt someone else with my need for comfort. This is the stuff that sticks.
So now what? I have a good friend who has often said remove the tape, ahh if it were just that simple. Or if I could have my husband’s eyes for a day. Then maybe I could see how I really LOOK & act. Then maybe, I would see myself as others describe me.
One thing I can do & will do until my dying day. Is work to break the chain. I am a Mom and not until I became one, did I realize what it meant to really love and be loved.
The love is so overwhelming and unconditional and effortless. Why then was it so hard to feel love from my parents? Well my friend that is a question for God & it's on my list, next to why do we have mosquitos?
All I do know is I choose my words very carefully with my kids. I’m not perfect & make mistakes but...at the end of the day they know I am there for them. They can interrupt me anytime of the day or night for the comfort & love they need.
I may have a case of tapes stored in my head with negative verbiage but I choose to change what messages they receive.
At the end of the day when I talk to God who I know loves me as I love my children. I tell him I hope I lifted them up far more than I brought them down.
So, thank you for allowing me this time to hit the pause on my tape & share with you my thoughts!
Break the chain & choose your words carefully. You are creating tapes (no pressure ;)
Trust me I know!
Always Real,
T.
Trace, I think we all can honestly say that good or bad, we learned from our own experiences and parents to become better parents. You are not alone in this. Even though we strive harder to be better and to be "more" and to love more, our past will sometimes make us feel like we're not doing enough. That's when you have to take a step back and realize that you are doing the best you can. You are breaking the chain, pausing the tape and being the best parent/person/friend you can possibly be. Just look at your kids, marvel in their successes, their abilities, their affection for you and take that as your "grade". You're making the grade, by far. In fact you set the bar high.....and I think you're doing a GREAT job.
ReplyDeleteAs for those mirrors, I can't tell you one person, besides Paris Hilton, who can look at themselves and marvel at their physical appearance. We're all too hard on ourselves. And I like you, wish I could look at my world through my hubby's eyes. Crank this up, it will help us get there: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LjhCEhWiKXk
Tracie, I have tears streaming down my face as I write this. You may not think you are a good writer or have a way with words, but I beg to differ. You have just put my very feelings into beautiful words.
ReplyDeleteYou are an amazing, strong woman and I am so glad you started this blog.
Thank you so much for your inspiration!
XOXO